Fashion Police; Sirens Sounding!

OBVIOUS fashion tips that you don’t need to be a fashionista to know…

Okay, so I’ve had my fashion ruts just as much as the next girl. Whether it was light-wash tight jeans without back pockets, or black pants with chains on them, I’ve been there.  But as I entered into adulthood, I realized that looking good on the outside, makes me feel like a million bucks on the inside. I like to play with fashion, not copy it. Of course, this mentality causes disasters, just ask my cousin about the purple leggings…

Anyway, my point is that it wasn’t, and isn’t, always easy to have fashion-sense!  But I believe fashion is truly yours to tinker with…unless you commit some of the top fashion crimes that EVERYONE, and I mean everyone, knows. Even your great grandmother’s best friend from high school knows.

And this goes for my guys and my gals. Let the list making begin..

  1. Your recyclable Shaw’s bag is not a purse.
  2. If your shirt is ripped so much that you need a tank top underneath, you need to find a time machine and go back to the 80’s. We don’t want you here.
  3. I don’t care if you’re a mother of 12, cargo capris with flip-flops is never good.
  4. Basketball shorts and a ‘beater is for BASKETBALL PLAYERS only.
  5. If you’re over the age of 14, the jeans with the butterfly embroidered on the ass is not for you. Get out of the juniors section!
  6. Stop wearing thongs with tight gym pants. We can see everything.
  7. MUFFIN TOPS ARE NEVER ACCEPTABLE.
  8. That dirty-grunge look that Nirvana had going on ended in the 90’s. Now you’re just dirty.
  9. Your shorts should always be long enough so that when you sit down, other people will not see your underwear (assuming that you’re even wearing any).
  10. Guys, stop wearing the t-shirts with designs that look like tattoos. It was OK in the beginning, but they’re getting sparklier every time I see them. Nobody wants disco on their chest.
  11. No, Rihanna’s hair cut does not look good on you. (who said fashion was just your clothes?!)
  12. If you’re 19 years + and still don’t carry a purse/wallet, but just keep your ID in a holder on your key chain, you have two choices: become a hermit and remove yourself from society, or BUY A PURSE or WALLET!
  13. Skinny girls: do not wear thick giant belts. It looks like it’s trying to eat you.
  14. Attention men over age 20! Beat up VANS are not work attire, nor are they age appropriate!
  15. ONE metallic wardrobe item worn at a time, please. (Unless you’re Katt Williams)
  16. Platform flip-flops are always a resounding no.
  17. Submitted by Emily: Velour pants/jumpsuits! How did I leave that one out!?!?!

Please, please, please! It pains me to witness some of these! (that rhymed)

As I type this, I’m getting ready to go see ECLIPSE for the second time!!!! (it was awesome on opening night–yes I’m that kind of dork) And I’m sure that when I reach the theater I’ll see 5 more fashion mistakes…which will be hastily added to the list! Oh, what would I talk about if not for the horrible fashion of my small home town?

For more photos of some SERIOUSLY bad ensembles, visit People of Wal-Mart and be prepared to laugh and be horrified simultaneously. Hope you enjoy the posted pic of a beautifully decorated elephant on that lady’s butt cheeks. Nothing like subtlety.

If you have some fashion tips of your own, or if you’ve seen some doozies, let me know: alessandraspeaks@aim.com or TWEET me!

Love,

Your tom-boy in heels,

Alessandra

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Musings by Women for Women

After consulting with many of my female friends and family, I have compiled a list of questions us women have had in 2010.  The very questions that no one knows the answers to…well except me. And I’m telling it like it is, ladies!

Here we go:

  • Dear eyebrow hair, why do you grow everyday? That’s just biology.
  • Dear gym, why do you have huge windows so people can see me struggling on the treadmill? So that people walking by feel better about themselves.
  • Dear Spanx, why do you cost so much? Because Spanx knows that you’ll dish out the cash to be ‘controlled’
  • Dear chivalry, where did you go? Chivalry left us YEARS ago. It had somewhere else to be.
  • Dear Twiggy, why did you make skinny women popular? Because she was beautiful. Still a downer.
  • Dear Jennifer Hudson and America Ferreira, why did you lose weight and leave your chubby followers behind? Because they have money for a trainer  now.
  • Dear Half Baked ice cream, when did you replace depression meds? Well, I’m just happy about this one.  No further comments.
  • Dear vocals, why do you sound so awful if I LOVE to sing? (was this too specific to myself? oops.)
  • Dear awesome jobs, why don’t you like my resume? Because your resume sucks.
  • Dear shoe fund, why don’t you expand? Because you keep spending it on shoes.
  • Dear dark under-eye circles, how much sleep is necessary for you to go away!? 10 years.
  • Dear Sex and the City, why can’t you be my life? Because you are not 50 years old with lots of money. Nor do you live in NYC.
  • Dear Twilight, how did you get me hooked on you when you were written for 14-year-olds? Um, because vampires are kick-ass! Oh, and so are werewolves.(Team Jacob)
  • Submitted by Aunyx: Dear Alessandra, why don’t Applebottoms carry plus sizes? Because they can’t handle us. Technically they carry up to 14, which is a plus size, but as a 16, that doesn’t help me much. Shop Torrid or a DEB Plus.
  • Submitted by Julie: Dear Alessandra, why is it that when guys want to lose weight, a 4-pack appears within 2 months? Life is unfair and gave men a better metabolism. Just another clue that God wanted women to be thick.
  • Submitted by Lindsey: Dear thin girls, why do you think fat girls want to hear about your “weight issues”? This happens ALL THE TIME! My thin friends are always blabbing, “Oh my God, I’m so huge..blah blah blah.” There’s only two reasons why they do this: 1- They truly are that insecure. 2-They want compliments! Yummy yummy compliments! Who doesn’t?!

So there you have it! The start of the list! Within the next week I will be frequently adding to it, so stay tuned. ALSO, ladies if you’re out there, send me your questions to be answered at alessandraspeaks@aim.com or follow My Twitter and send them there! Of course, only if your question is good enough for my blog, I’ll post it. And make sure your girlfriends read up on Alessandra Speaks, too!

As for the men, this post just isn’t for you. I’m so sorry…nah, I’m over it.

-Alessandra (the all-knowing)