Christmas List Evolution; 4,000 view special!

I feel like the oldest 22 year-old in the world. I graduated college this year, I’m looking for a full-time job, considering grad-school, and my joints hurt when it’s going to rain. So, with my newfound ancient wisdom during the Christmas season, I’ve been reflecting back on my life’s Christmases. What I’ve realized is that no matter who you are, the older you get, the less exciting your Christmas Wish List becomes.

To prove my point, and to celebrate the blog’s 4,000th view!!!,  I’m going to share with you the things I wanted for Christmas, starting from when I was 5.

My Christmas List Evolution:

1993: ROBIN WILLIAMS. The first letter I wrote to Santa was when I was in kindergarten. My favorite movie was Aladdin (surprise) and I just found out Robin Williams was the Genie. I think the letter went something like this, “Dear Santa, I’ve been very good this year. I really want to meet Robin Williams for Christmas. Thank you! Love, Alessandra.” God Bless my mother for mailing that letter. I even got a reply in typed red ink–some generic response, which means someone read that letter at the post office. Hah!

1994: CUDDLES THE BEAR. I wasn’t nearly as creative this year. I wanted the most useless, unnecessary gift in the world, but then again, who doesn’t want a giant teddy bear? I mean GIANT teddy bear. It’s all I talked about! “Alessandra, how are you today?” “GIANT TEDDY BEAR!!!” My parents spent all of December telling me that there was no way I was getting it, but I still had Santa to count on. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to a giant teddy bear-shaped bag towering over the tree. I named him Cuddles.

1995: THE YEAR I KNEW SANTA WAS FAKE. At the ripe age of 7, I figured out Santa was a lie. I was a dancer from age 5 to 7 (my skinny years) and all I wanted was my own pair of ballet slippers. I was on my last gift on Christmas morning. Holding on to my last thread of hope, I opened it and found a Ballet LAMP. I stared at it, then epiphany: If Santa was real, he wouldn’t mess this one up. I got up and said, “Thanks, Mom.” Needless to say, I picked soccer over ballet for the rest of my life.

1999 AIR-FILLED CHAIR. Every girl in middle school had a blow-up chair…except me. I was the one who had to wait until Christmas to get anything out of the ordinary. Every time I asked for one my mother would answer, “You’ll pop it…the cat will pop it…blah, blah, blah.” Well, I won this one because I got the blow-up chair for Christmas! It was blue!…and then the cat popped it.

2003 TIMBERLANDS. I WANT PINK TIMBERLANDS! This began the ‘fashion statement is needed for Christmas’ idea. I have no idea why everyone had Tim’s in 8th grade, but whatever! My mom had JUST bought my sister a pair, so I thought I had a good shot! What happened was a little different. I unwrap a Timberland box (aaahhh!!) and open it to see a camera. Mom used my sister’s Timberland box for my present…LET DOWN! But mother knows best, I ended up majoring in filmmaking.

2005 MACY’S PARFUM. Diva comes out again for Christmas. I asked for DKNY Be Delicious. I get this gift for the next 3 years. You have to tell Mom a few weeks ahead of time so she can work her magic in getting the best deal. If you’re not familiar, Macy’s coupons exclude EVERYTHING IN THE STORE.

2008 THE PIANO BENCH I GOT, BUT NEVER REALLY GOT. My “big gift” this year was a piano bench. I don’t remember asking for it, but I did need one. I have an old rickety chair that has defied all odds by still standing erect. So, I got a beautiful PADDED bench with storage under the seat! But the wood was destroyed and the screws ruined the underside. We sent it back. I still have, and use, the old death chair…wait, that means I sent back my Christmas gift…what the hell did I get for Christmas 2008??!?!

2009 MONEY AND CLOTHES. Clothes. Gift card. Clothes. And gift cards that I will use to buy clothes. Diva is now in full effect. Problem: whenever mom buys me clothes they’re too big. Hence, now I just need:

2010 THE MONEY. Sallie Mae wants to take all of my paycheck, so now all I need is money. But that’s not fun at all! It’s Christmas 2010 and all of the wonder of Christmas is gone. What ever happened to the little girl that wanted to meet Robin Williams!!!!

Okay, I still do want to marry–I mean–meet Robin Williams.

Today’s lesson: we should all revise our Christmas Wish List. Instead of asking for a diamond, a Coach bag, or a spa gift certificate, think back to what you wanted when you were little. How about asking for…….

……..

I got nothing. I want the Coach purse!!!!

Stay tuned for my second holiday post about all that is Christmassy (good and bad).

Merry Christmas!!!!!!! (AND HAPPY CHANUKAH!) Have a little fun between the shopping and the yelling….Oh, is the yelling just in my house?

Love,

Santa’s plus-sized elf,

Alessandra

I AM: ALADDIN CASTING DIRECTOR

Hellloooooo!!!…I just had two coffees, sorry.

Before I begin, I’d like to make it known that I am NOT letting the extreme depression of recently paying my college loans stop me from blogging. Go me.

As most of America knows, this past week Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast were playing on TV repeatedly. And OF COURSE I ditched every one of my living friends to watch them alone with snack food. Well, except for my friend Fat Tom.– No, it’s ok, he doesn’t mind that nickname.

I was particularly excited for this Disney display because for a few years now, I’ve been DREAMING for the day when they make Aladdin into a live-action movie. Real actors, real Arabia, real Monkey! So began the endless debate between Fat Tom and I: who would play who?

We never agreed on anything, so instead of presenting you with the full cast as I declared it should be, I’m presenting a few options for each. I’ll let you decide.

*Feel free to play this video as you read for some mood music.

LET’S GET THE DAY STARTED! Imagine we are at a bachelor auction, because that’s exactly how I’m wording my commentary.

LIVE-ACTION CASTING:

 

Ladies and gentlemen, the eligible bachelors  about to walk out before us, are competing for the role of JAFAR. Jafar, the primary antagonist and arch nemesis of Aladdin, is a tall dark fellow. He enjoys snakes, long walks on the sand and world domination. Here are our bachelors!!!

1. BENICIO DEL TORO First things first, HE’S SO SEXXXYYY!!! Anyway, I chose Benicio because of his hard look. He has very striking features and I think he could totally pull off Jafar. Maybe he’d just need to thin out a bit for that lanky look.
2. 
   JOHN TURTURRO Some of you know him from many of Adam Sandler’s movies playing quite the character, but John Turturro has had plenty of experience playing serious, intricate roles. Although he’s incredibly lovable, he can turn on you in a second and master the art that is Jafar. I think I might have a crush on him…
3. BEN KINGSLEY This man has never done a performance that was any less than spectacular. He was Fat Tom’s choice, I would’ve never thought of him myself! If he got the role, I bet all who saw the movie would believe 100% that Kingsley was actually Jafar in real life.
4. SACHA BARON COHEN I didn’t even think of Sasha until I wrote the Borat reference in the next paragraph. But we’re all familiar with the characters that this man can pull off–funny or serious. He would go ALL OUT for us as Jafar and I would want to  see it!

Next up we will have our lovely bachelorettes competing for the role of JASMINE. Jasmine is the most beautiful Princess of the land and the heiress to the throne. Her hobbies include brushing her hair in the menagerie, stealing apples from vendors and playing with tigers. Here are our ladies!!!!

1. EVA MENDES As Borat would say, wow-wow-wee-wah. (I loved her in HITCH by the way.) I was the one to choose Eva. Reason one: her complexion and her confident attitude is what gives her the advantage. I’m not sure how she’d look with a long black weave, but I bet she could work it. Point two, I think she’s the only one that could pull off Jasmine’s clear voice.
2. SCARLETT JOHANSSON I know, I know. She’s white. Fat Tom didn’t agree with this choice, but hear me out! All you need to do is imagine two things: Scarlett with a tan—and long locks of black hair…..yeah, that’s what I thought. You see it right? When is Scarlett ever NOT sexy? NEVER!
   
3. SALMA HAYEK For the record, she is too old for this role. Fat Tom and my brother are the ones who are all about it. 20 years ago, she’d be perfect–no offense, Salma. She’s still gorgeous, but she is 44 years old. Jasmine 44? Not so much.

Our next bachelor has already won the category due to the fact that he’s the only bachelor. But, we’ll introduce him anyway! He has won the role of SULTAN. Sultan is a portly adorable man. His likes are: loose fitting clothing, bird feeding, parades  and large hats.

1. JOHN GOODMAN Although, when you think of John Goodman, you think of a loud funny man, he’s also a determined actor. I believe he’d have a lot of fun playing the Sultan. Plus, I can’t think of anyone else who could be royal and playful at the same time. Can you? Fat Tom chose Joe Pesci and Danny DeVito. I just laughed a lot and told him this wasn’t a mob movie. –Don’t get me wrong, DeVito as Sultan would be HILARIOUS, but it would change the whole feel, seeing as how he’ll never get rid of that accent.

Ladies and Gents, what you’ve been waiting for has come. The bachelors for ALADDIN are almost here. Aladdin, a poor boy from the street, just wants to get ahead in life. Unfortunately, all he has is a stolen loaf of bread and a monkey. But he’s cute as all hell! His hobbies include: singing while running, men with machetes and talking to animals. Here they are!!!

1. JUSTIN LONG The most believable Aladdin, I think. I know that he’s a bit pale, but it’s his voice that sells it. Justin is 32 years old now! I know, wow. But he manages to keep that young boyish charm. The fact that him and I have the same birthday did not make me biased at all…
2. TAYLOR LAUTNER Aaahhhh!!!! Twilight fans unite!!!!! Fat Tom did not like this choice. (I love how Fat Tom became a character throughout this post.) Taylor would NAIL this part!! Admit it! He’s got the voice, the complexion, the age, the charm and he’s dreammmyyyy. Plus, being Aladdin will get him out of his Jacob Black coma.

So you’re all wondering what happened to Genie, right? I’ll let you in on a little secret, that isn’t really a secret at all…

NO ONE CAN EVER REPLACE ROBIN WILLIAMS AS GENIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright then. I’m glad you agree. Genie would have to be computer generated with the same voice as before! No exceptions!

Thank you for delving into the world that’s inside  my mind. Let’s hope this is one step closer to seeing a live-action Aladdin in theaters!!!! Think about it! A real Cave of Wonders scene!?!? Aaaahhh! (screams of teenage girl excitement).

After this movie comes out, we just need to get Mulan, Beauty and the Beast and Pocahontas to follow! Disney, you wonderful,evil, beautiful corporation, you.

Oh, and do send me more suggestions! I’m still wracking my brain for more actors. Go to the ‘TALK TO ALESSANDRA’ tab or Tweet me your ideas!

Love,

You’re real-life Italian Jasmine,

Alessandra