You Said Whaaaat!?

For being a writer/grammar-nazi/babe/smooth-talker, I can be an abomination to all the small-talkers of the world. To my defense, I usually know exactly what to say. I can make things sound better using the English language. I can be witty and quick. But life catches me off-guard…

MY WORST ENEMY: being caught off-guard.

This is the moment when all my skills shrivel up and die and proceed to be flushed down the bowls of my brain. Admittedly, it doesn’t happen often; since I’m perfect and all. No one wants to be Stacy from Wayne’s World, but three of my own scenarios come to mind. And I’ve titled this…

When My Brian Signals Lost Reception:

  1. I had a crush on this guy, Eddie, from college for three years! He was full-blooded Italian, he was funny, built like a beef-cake, and he was CUTE! Problem was, every other guy in my class would flirt with me…except Eddie. We talked frequently and I usually did my “I’m making fun of you, but that means I like you” thing. I didn’t really get any further than that. So, one morning before class started, I’m talking to all my other guy friends about how hot Eddie is and how OBLIVIOUS he is to me liking him. Then in walks Eddie. (insert panic) He’s doing his rounds, saying hi to everyone and making his way towards me. So I’m thinking, holy crap, holy crap, I was just talking about him. Did he over-hear? I need to say something. Just say hi. HOW HARD IS IT TO SAY HI!!?!?
    He approached me in his Abercrombie sweatshirt and jeans with a casual, “Hey, Sandra.” And what do I do? It is utterly impossible for you to guess. Out of my mouth falls, “Putting on some pounds, Eddie?” And I pat his belly.
    Dear Lord, in heaven, why!? Whyyy! Needless to say, Eddie and I never made it.
  2. I’ve taken the train to Boston from Providence for about 3 years. I sit in the same cart, in the same seat, and see the same guy, every morning. One would believe that it’s safe to say this guy would be able to recognize me outside of the train environment! So, I’m at work talking to my friend while she’s cashiering. Who’s next in line? Train guy. He’s alone and wearing some hideous red matching outfit. Instead of shutting my weirdo-trap, I say, “Hey, you work on the train!” He looks at me as if I just started eating my own hair. So, I try to jog his memory, “I used to see you every morning…” He goes, “Ok.” I hate that. When people just say, “Ok,” it basically means, “Whatever, you psycho.” Then he looks at my friend with wide eyes, “She must ride the train a lot.” So now I’M considered a weirdo and my friend got to see this whole train wreck up close. Train pun intended. P.S. I’m avoiding the train for a couple of weeks.
  3. So apparently there’s a new guy at work. He’s a god. All the girls are drooling over him. And, of course, I’m severely unaware of the situation. It was late into my shift, and I took my friend (same friend from train guy story) to the break-room to show her my schedule. I walk in and New Guy is casually sitting down with black slacks and a black shirt on. He has mocha skin and blue eyes. What do I say? “Hey, so you’re the new guy?” —WRONG. I say, AS AWKWARDLY AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, “Uhhh…I don’t know you…heh. heh.” He shakes my hand and introduces himself. My friend is near death trying to hide her laughter. I flip through the schedule while he sits there, watching me.

    And then I forgot my name.

    Yes. I’ll give you a second to digest that…I FORGOT MY NAME! I couldn’t find my name ANYWHERE on the schedule! So of course my IDIOT self says it out loud, “What’s my name again?” God, I’m pathetic. After sorting out my identity crisis, I asked my friend for a pen. She didn’t have one and before I could breathe, New Guy whips one out of thin air!!! But Alessandra couldn’t just take the pen–ohhhh nooooo–Alessandra decided to babble some sort of compilation of words (since it didn’t qualify as a sentence) and says something along the lines of, “Wow, you’re like magical…” Only way less comprehensive. Fail!!

I’m glad I typed my embarrassments out. More people in the world need to look at their awful situations as a time for laughter. Embarassment is just comedy in disguise. Laugh at me if you want, as long as I’m making you laugh.

Writing this also got me to realize that in 2 out of the 3 incidents, my friend from work was involved. Now I’ll just blame it all on her. I can be smooth, I swear! Three out of hundreds of interactions isn’t bad!

Don’t judge me.

I dedicate this post to Eddie, Train Guy and New Guy. But not to my friend, since I’ve clearly proven that it’s all her fault. I motion for an anti-dedication to her.

I hope that more embarrassing moments come for me, because let’s face it, life just isn’t interesting without them. And who better to live through them than I? Bring it on!

Love,

Your Compulsive Verbal Klutz,

Alessandra

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Baggin’ a Blogger

A couple of weeks ago I asked my Facebook friends which topic they’d like me to cover in my next blog. Was it going to be “Top 10 Comedies”, “Top 5 Writers”, “Favorite Comedians”, or “What I Look for in a Guy”. Oddly enough, the majority voted for “What I look for in a Guy”. I have to say, I was shocked. I didn’t know that a topic specific to me would be the favorite. I guess I didn’t think I was that important or interesting…then again, I am that important and interesting.

I’ve realized that it’s hard not to fall madly in love with me and want me to yourselves. Sadly, and to much disappointment to you all, I have a wonderful boyfriend, Brendan, of over 2 years who’s serving our country in Afghanistan. But, you can all still try to sway me, my little secret admirers.

So in case you’re up to the challenge, I’ll give you what you want–don’t I always? This is how you can bag this blogger…

WHAT I LOOK FOR IN A MAN (non-physical):

  1. Sense of humor. The most important of all. If you don’t make me laugh, then you won’t make me do much else.
  2. Patience. As a temper-mental Italian, I have my overreacting moments. I admit it. So patience is important because you have to be the rock that grounds me when I go over the top.
  3. An Interest. In me, I mean. Keep tabs on what I do and love; whether it’s my career or my hobbies. And of course I’ll take interest in yours.
  4. Passion for what they love. I LOVE what I do and I intend on doing what it takes to make my dream job a reality. So, I need someone who shares the same passion for what they love.
  5. Sense of adventure. Check out my bucket list blog and you’ll see that I plan on trying new things all the time! And my man is coming with me at least 50% of the time.
  6. Confidence. Not cockiness, confidence. Whatever you do in life, own it. That’s wicked sexy.
  7. Romance. I didn’t put this at the top of the list because, let’s face it, not many men can pull it off. But even if you try and fail at it, it’s still cute and appreciated.
  8. Ambition. No matter where you are in life, know that there is always more to get out of it.
  9. Creative side. I like to paint, draw, write, or do any kind of craft in my free time. You don’t have to be good at it, but do be up to it.

WHAT I LOOK FOR IN A MAN (physical):

  1. Eyes I can get lost in. Brendan has green eyes. Dreamy sigh. Brown eyes with long eyelashes, also accepted.
  2. Full lips. Kisses just aren’t the same without them.
  3. Nice hands. I love hard-working hands. ie. Mechanics, carpenters, etc.
  4. Nice smile. Bad teeth are terrifying. You’re smile should make me want to smile, not run off a cliff.
  5. Height. My guy must be taller than me. As a plus-size girl, if a guy is shorter than me, I feel like a giant times 2.
  6. Voice. All ladies like a sexy voice, but it’s not about sounding like Isaac Hayes, it’s about having a soothing voice that calms us down before we go to sleep.
  7. V-Cut. If you don’t know what a v-cut is, it’s those lines on the sides of the hips that lead downward in a V-shape. Pause for drooling noise. Mmmmm.

I’m not too picky, am I? Of course the 7 physical preferences can be altered or done without. Every person of any size, shape, height, or color has something sexy about them. We all know I do.

Yes, I’m aware of my ego.

Thanks for reading,

Love,

Your sought after diva,

Alessandra