The Retail Holiday Season

YAAAWWWNNNN! I’m literally yawning and stretching at my computer because it feels like I just came out of my no-blog-writing hibernation. Before anyone hates on me, I have plenty of excuses–I mean, valid reasons–why I haven’t written in a while.

Reason 1: They upped my hours at work.
Reason 2: I’ve been sick since August (true story)
Reason 3: I’m lazy.

I’m a little rusty, so bear with me.

SO! The inspiration of today’s blog is mostly because I work in retail. (cue sympathetic awww from audience). Yes, I’ve worked in retail for 5 years in total, so anyone who works or shops in department stores knows why the holiday season is hell. Apparently all the CRAZIES come out to buy Christmas presents in October!

Anyway, I’ve decided, as a two-time employee of the month winner, to give some heads-up to anyone that has the cojones to go out shopping on this coming Black Friday. I’m hoping that my pro/con list will shine a little light on why employees will give you some attitude this season…mostly because you’re all CRAZY! NO, I didn’t memorize all of the item numbers of every Elmo product!!!

Sorry–I ranted.

So, “Let’s get the day started!” (quoted as  Katt Williams)

Although a drastically shorter list than the Cons, let’s start with the Pros of Retail’s Holiday Season….

Retail Holiday Season Pros:

  • I get to work more hours. Gimme that sweet, sweet minimum wage overtime so I can pay my piling amounts of bills!
  • Snacks in the break room. I don’t know if it’s out of pity for having to work during the holidays or just because it’s the Christmas spirit, but homemade brownies, cakes and cookies seem to appear on the break room table more often than not.
  • I can get away with more than usual. This is the one time of year when I don’t have to take any crap from anyone. It’s a known fact that the customers are going to be way crazier and more unreasonable than ever. So if I’m rude right back to you, you deserved it. And I can do that if I want because your complaint will not get me fired.
  • …Wow I really ran out of steam for more pros than the previous three. Shorter list than I thought.

Retail Holiday Season Cons:

  • Christmas music in October. I’m all about the holiday tunes, lit candles, hot chocolate and snow, but it’s still warm in October and the leaves didn’t even fall off the trees yet! “Santa Claus is coming to Town” is just a lie at this point.
  • Sales so specific that there is actually no sale at all. Yay, you scored a 20% off coupon!!!!…Too bad it excludes EVERYTHING IN THE STORE. And I have to tell you that the mounds of merchandise in your cart don’t qualify. “Please stop yelling, ma’am–I’m sorry you drove 40 minutes out of your way…well, it’s in the fine print if you would’ve just read it…”
  • Crazed Mothers. News flash: your 11-month-old daughter doesn’t give a crap whether or not you get the pink kitchen set or the yellow one!  She doesn’t even know what colors are yet. I’m so sorry that I didn’t personally order extra pink ones when my telekinesis told me you were on your way.
  • People who think I’m lying when I say: No, I do not have extra coupons. Yes, I am out of that item. That singing Barney is not on sale. NO. Not. on. sale. My manager will tell you no different. remember when I said I didn’t have a coupon 2 minutes ago…that’s still in effect.
  • Rude people who ruin nice people’s time. If you’re really lucky you’ll score a really nice customer! You actually go above and beyond to help them. But then you see a rude woman approaching. You know she’s rude because she’s walking like she has to use the bathroom and her lips are pursed. This is the lady that walks in front of all the people waiting and cuts off Nice Customer mid-sentence with the stupidest question ever to come out of a mouth since Maury.
  • Messy shoppers. Okay, I’m guilty of this one myself. I don’t know what causes this impulse, but shoppers tend to pick an item, go to the opposite side of the store, and then drop it off over there. i.e.: Blankets in the food aisle, ice cream in the shoe department etc.
  • Children. A complaint in itself. If you think children were out of control before, just wait until over-tired, distracted parents go shopping with them. All of the sudden a department store becomes a playground! I had a child almost shove her face in a hot portable radiator because she was unsupervised. The same girl stuck her arm into a packed shelf and proceeded to walk along side it, knocking everything onto the floor. And her brother was riding a bike through the aisles and purposely ramming into his mother’s carriage repeatedly. Yes, injuries have happened.
  • 

So when you go shopping this season, go in with a plan and 2 back-up plans. Remember, stores do run out of things–it’s a fact, and although employees are being paid, that doesn’t mean they’re paid enough to put up with your it’s-a-full-moon craziness. 

Recap in short: leave the kids home, when there’s a line, you have to wait in it just like everyone else, and always read the fine print.

Until next time y’all.

Love,

Your parking space stealer,

Alessandra

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A Thick Girl’s 10 Best Friends

Although I’m not diagnosed with some form of ADD, I enjoy writing/living/talking all over the place! But lately, to my surprise, I’ve found that my blog is pretty much centered around certain views. These views being: big girls are awesome, fashion is fabulous and atrocious, the world needs to accept acceptance, life is a comedy, and I have a huge ego.

I’m totally fine with that. Hope you are too.

So, to keep up with my general themes, today’s blog topic hit me when I got out of the shower this morning. I have a strict routine; everything is done in the exact same order every day: wash body first, then hair, dry off, lotion, powder, hair, dress, then makeup. Wait–powder? You say? Yes, baby powder. “A thick girl’s best friend,” I said to the mirror. Ding Ding Ding!!!

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that not all big girls know the ways of being, well, big. Thanks to my father’s genes and my love of pasta, I’ve had the privilege of being plus-size almost my whole life. Why a privilege? Because I’ve mastered it. And BOY, does it take time!

So I’m standing in the bathroom, looking like a half powdered-doughnut, when I realized that maybe some of our newly plus-sized girls want some tips; some things I’ve learned over the years. And so begins another one of my FANTASTIC lists.

A Thick Girl’s 10 Best Friends:

  1. Baby Powder.When the weather is hot and sticky, nothing gets you through the day like baby powder. Especially for our big-busted ladies, the girls need some dry land, in between and under.
  2. Spanx. SO WONDERFUL! Yes, it’s true that Spanx, or, “fat-suckin-undies”, can restrict your movement, so I don’t consider them an everyday thing. But when you’re feeling bold and want to wear the dress that hugs you a little tighter than most, call in the troops! You have to be smoooooottthhh. No matter what your size, you want clean lines.
  3. A Good Bra. Cannot stress this enough. If there’s any tugging or pulling, pain or heavy indents in your skin, get fitted! I suffer from bigboobitis. It’s an awful disease that gives me major back problems, but an awesome rack. A good bra actually makes your posture better! I get my giant supportive bras and fittings at Lane Bryant. P.S. this Playtex commercial is hysterical! 
  4. Leggings, Belts & Boots. Want to be hugged on all the right curves while staying proportioned? An outfit that never fails me is a good layering ensemble: black leggings, colorful tank under a long vest or sweater, mid/high-calf boot, and cinch a thick colored belt around the narrowest part of your waist. Perfect for fall! And make sure your long vest or sweater covers your butt!!
  5. Perfect Cleavage. One thing that a few extra pounds bless us with is our voluptuous chest. Amen to that. Problem is, sometimes we show too much, or too little. The best way to explain the correct portion of cleavage is: during the day, 1/4 of your chest can be seen. At night: 1/3 is accepted–if you’re single. Secondly, we can’t hide too much! For example, when I wear high collared t-shirts or turtle-necks, the girls appear too monstrous because I’ve created a small neck line that balloons out into ginormity–not a word by the way.
  6. Flats. Buy tons of them! Red flats, metallic flats, pointy flats, sequined flats, I don’t care! They never get old and they can never be “too much”. Clothing doesn’t always have to be the main interest of your outfit–bring in a punch of color with your comfy stylish shoes.
  7. Gel Heel Inserts. If I was kidnapped and told that the only way I’d come out alive is if I could walk a straight line in heels without falling, I’d most surely die. I’m a klutz. I fall and trip when I’m sober in heels! But I love wearing them and I truck on. Why? Because they make my legs look great and I chose strong heels with support. I last 20 minutes in a heel that doesn’t have a gel insert.  I last 3 hours with it.
  8. Playful Eyes. As a full-blooded Italian, I got a weird nose and brown eyes. Yay, for me! What I also got was long, beautiful lashes. Playing up your eyes doesn’t mean loads of eye shadow; it means a simple colored liner with black mascara. I use an eggplant shade for my brownies.  Your eyes are what people see when you’re speaking to them; they hold a lot of power.
  9. Good-sized Purse. Don’t go too big (even though I have). My newly found rule: you don’t want a purse that’s bigger than your ass, it’ll make you look disproportionate. You are a beautiful diva! You need things on the go and they need to be accessible for emergency situations. What’s in my purse right now: mini hairspray bottle, cover-up, mirror, bobby pins, lip gloss, snacks, pen, notebook, wallet, sample size baby powder–you heard me, and Splenda, for when Dunkin Donuts gets my coffee wrong and I didn’t figure it out until after I left.
  10. Confidence. When you’re plus-sized, it almost feels like you have to try harder to “look as good as everyone else.” And that’s true, we have to look harder for pants that fit right and tops that button across our mountains. But the key is to make it look like it’s easy. Always leave your house feeling beautiful. Put in the extra 10 minutes in the morning to think about your image. When you feel good about what you’re wearing you feel good about you. Own it.

And there you have it. I’m pretty sure this list could help ANY woman!

…Did anyone else think the giant bra picture was hilarious?

Have more tips? Email me or Tweet me in the “Talk to Alessandra” tab!

Next blog? Dunkin’ Donuts vs. Starbucks. I’ll give you a hint, Dunkin sucks, but I still go there. Why do we put up with awful coffee?

I love you all, especially you skinny girls! I ignore you a lot, but it’s nothing personal.

Love,

You’re baby-powdered Goddess,

Alessandra

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