You Said Whaaaat!?

For being a writer/grammar-nazi/babe/smooth-talker, I can be an abomination to all the small-talkers of the world. To my defense, I usually know exactly what to say. I can make things sound better using the English language. I can be witty and quick. But life catches me off-guard…

MY WORST ENEMY: being caught off-guard.

This is the moment when all my skills shrivel up and die and proceed to be flushed down the bowls of my brain. Admittedly, it doesn’t happen often; since I’m perfect and all. No one wants to be Stacy from Wayne’s World, but three of my own scenarios come to mind. And I’ve titled this…

When My Brian Signals Lost Reception:

  1. I had a crush on this guy, Eddie, from college for three years! He was full-blooded Italian, he was funny, built like a beef-cake, and he was CUTE! Problem was, every other guy in my class would flirt with me…except Eddie. We talked frequently and I usually did my “I’m making fun of you, but that means I like you” thing. I didn’t really get any further than that. So, one morning before class started, I’m talking to all my other guy friends about how hot Eddie is and how OBLIVIOUS he is to me liking him. Then in walks Eddie. (insert panic) He’s doing his rounds, saying hi to everyone and making his way towards me. So I’m thinking, holy crap, holy crap, I was just talking about him. Did he over-hear? I need to say something. Just say hi. HOW HARD IS IT TO SAY HI!!?!?
    He approached me in his Abercrombie sweatshirt and jeans with a casual, “Hey, Sandra.” And what do I do? It is utterly impossible for you to guess. Out of my mouth falls, “Putting on some pounds, Eddie?” And I pat his belly.
    Dear Lord, in heaven, why!? Whyyy! Needless to say, Eddie and I never made it.
  2. I’ve taken the train to Boston from Providence for about 3 years. I sit in the same cart, in the same seat, and see the same guy, every morning. One would believe that it’s safe to say this guy would be able to recognize me outside of the train environment! So, I’m at work talking to my friend while she’s cashiering. Who’s next in line? Train guy. He’s alone and wearing some hideous red matching outfit. Instead of shutting my weirdo-trap, I say, “Hey, you work on the train!” He looks at me as if I just started eating my own hair. So, I try to jog his memory, “I used to see you every morning…” He goes, “Ok.” I hate that. When people just say, “Ok,” it basically means, “Whatever, you psycho.” Then he looks at my friend with wide eyes, “She must ride the train a lot.” So now I’M considered a weirdo and my friend got to see this whole train wreck up close. Train pun intended. P.S. I’m avoiding the train for a couple of weeks.
  3. So apparently there’s a new guy at work. He’s a god. All the girls are drooling over him. And, of course, I’m severely unaware of the situation. It was late into my shift, and I took my friend (same friend from train guy story) to the break-room to show her my schedule. I walk in and New Guy is casually sitting down with black slacks and a black shirt on. He has mocha skin and blue eyes. What do I say? “Hey, so you’re the new guy?” —WRONG. I say, AS AWKWARDLY AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, “Uhhh…I don’t know you…heh. heh.” He shakes my hand and introduces himself. My friend is near death trying to hide her laughter. I flip through the schedule while he sits there, watching me.

    And then I forgot my name.

    Yes. I’ll give you a second to digest that…I FORGOT MY NAME! I couldn’t find my name ANYWHERE on the schedule! So of course my IDIOT self says it out loud, “What’s my name again?” God, I’m pathetic. After sorting out my identity crisis, I asked my friend for a pen. She didn’t have one and before I could breathe, New Guy whips one out of thin air!!! But Alessandra couldn’t just take the pen–ohhhh nooooo–Alessandra decided to babble some sort of compilation of words (since it didn’t qualify as a sentence) and says something along the lines of, “Wow, you’re like magical…” Only way less comprehensive. Fail!!

I’m glad I typed my embarrassments out. More people in the world need to look at their awful situations as a time for laughter. Embarassment is just comedy in disguise. Laugh at me if you want, as long as I’m making you laugh.

Writing this also got me to realize that in 2 out of the 3 incidents, my friend from work was involved. Now I’ll just blame it all on her. I can be smooth, I swear! Three out of hundreds of interactions isn’t bad!

Don’t judge me.

I dedicate this post to Eddie, Train Guy and New Guy. But not to my friend, since I’ve clearly proven that it’s all her fault. I motion for an anti-dedication to her.

I hope that more embarrassing moments come for me, because let’s face it, life just isn’t interesting without them. And who better to live through them than I? Bring it on!

Love,

Your Compulsive Verbal Klutz,

Alessandra

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thoughts Appear
    Aug 31, 2010 @ 07:35:21

    I don’t think well when I’m caught off guard either. I can’t even string together coherent sentences under pressure like that.

  2. Posky
    Sep 01, 2010 @ 16:41:50

    I lived with a small-talker for roughly four years and she was the love of my life. In the end, it was the small-talking that did us in.

    …Okay, I don’t actually know that for sure.

    The bottom line is that you need to keep practicing your name so you’re never caught off guard again. Maybe even start saying your name at the beginning of every encounter before you even start talking- maybe even at the start of every sentence.

  3. Christy aka Mamarazzi
    Sep 04, 2010 @ 08:48:10

    Very funny post. I almost want to feel sorry for your friend but I don’t because she will always be able to tease you about at lease 2 out of 3 of your mental hiccups.

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