Butter Face: Least of Your Problems


I am a few paragraphs and a blog away from disproving hundreds of years of the solid case of “believing the eye-witness”. You can NEVER really tell what someone looks like from afar. Of course, they can’t all be butter-faces, I just used the term because…well because it has the word ‘butter’ in it, and who doesn’t like butter!?

Side note* For those of you who don’t know, a butter-face is someone who looks extremely attractive from far away, but when you get up close, “everything looks great, but her face…”

We have ALL screwed this one up before. Yes, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but distance also tricks your vision! I’ve compiled a LIST–yes another list–of reasons not to trust your eyes anymore. Always get a closer look.

So let’s say you’re sitting on a bench at the park, and 50 yards away there’s this babe…


  • Bad breath
  • Busted teeth
  • Immense B.O.
  • Mountainous acne
  • Greasy hair
  • Diseases…we’ll leave it at that
  • Parts of the opposite sex
  • A spouse
  • A large collection of action figures
  • An awfully unattractive voice (always ruins it for me)
  • A giant face tumor on the side you can’t see
  • A Siamese twin
  • Face tattoo that says “@#$% OFF”
  • An apartment in their mom’s basement
  • A third nipple
  • A Uni-brow
  • King of Queens DVD collection
  • The iPad

Sadly I have experienced 95% of the above. I thought I saw what was a handsome mid-thirties Cape Verdian man. As “he” came closer, Mr. Caramel turned into a short, light-skinned old Spanish lady with 200 moles. What worries me is, what if Mr. Caramel never came closer. What if he beat the crap out of someone and ran away and I’m the only one who saw it. Now the cops are here asking me what the perp looked like. So, I’m sitting with 3 cops and a sketch artist describing this 5’11” Cape Verdian when the real suspect is an old mole lady. Eye witness theory SHOT DOWN!!

So little do we know, there’s a string of old Spanish renegades committing crimes all over the world!! And attractive men are paying the price for it! Years and years of eye-witnesses being a “shoe-in” for a winning case could all be crap!

It’s kind of scary to know. What if someone thinks they saw me rob a bank! But really it was a 10 year old blonde boy? Okay, that was a bit extreme……….or was it?

Think about it.

Keep reading, keep commenting,


Your 10-year old blonde boy,


Click for your BLOG THROW BACK


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Styrofoam Baby
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 21:52:06

    Don’t worry about that. Banks always have CCTVs you won’t be suspected. LOL. I’m kidding and totally agree with your list. It’s always pleasure to visit your blog!

  2. Posky
    Aug 16, 2010 @ 22:38:51

    That WHAM CD is a deal breaker every time.

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