Fashion Police; Sirens Sounding!

OBVIOUS fashion tips that you don’t need to be a fashionista to know…

Okay, so I’ve had my fashion ruts just as much as the next girl. Whether it was light-wash tight jeans without back pockets, or black pants with chains on them, I’ve been there.  But as I entered into adulthood, I realized that looking good on the outside, makes me feel like a million bucks on the inside. I like to play with fashion, not copy it. Of course, this mentality causes disasters, just ask my cousin about the purple leggings…

Anyway, my point is that it wasn’t, and isn’t, always easy to have fashion-sense!  But I believe fashion is truly yours to tinker with…unless you commit some of the top fashion crimes that EVERYONE, and I mean everyone, knows. Even your great grandmother’s best friend from high school knows.

And this goes for my guys and my gals. Let the list making begin..

  1. Your recyclable Shaw’s bag is not a purse.
  2. If your shirt is ripped so much that you need a tank top underneath, you need to find a time machine and go back to the 80’s. We don’t want you here.
  3. I don’t care if you’re a mother of 12, cargo capris with flip-flops is never good.
  4. Basketball shorts and a ‘beater is for BASKETBALL PLAYERS only.
  5. If you’re over the age of 14, the jeans with the butterfly embroidered on the ass is not for you. Get out of the juniors section!
  6. Stop wearing thongs with tight gym pants. We can see everything.
  7. MUFFIN TOPS ARE NEVER ACCEPTABLE.
  8. That dirty-grunge look that Nirvana had going on ended in the 90’s. Now you’re just dirty.
  9. Your shorts should always be long enough so that when you sit down, other people will not see your underwear (assuming that you’re even wearing any).
  10. Guys, stop wearing the t-shirts with designs that look like tattoos. It was OK in the beginning, but they’re getting sparklier every time I see them. Nobody wants disco on their chest.
  11. No, Rihanna’s hair cut does not look good on you. (who said fashion was just your clothes?!)
  12. If you’re 19 years + and still don’t carry a purse/wallet, but just keep your ID in a holder on your key chain, you have two choices: become a hermit and remove yourself from society, or BUY A PURSE or WALLET!
  13. Skinny girls: do not wear thick giant belts. It looks like it’s trying to eat you.
  14. Attention men over age 20! Beat up VANS are not work attire, nor are they age appropriate!
  15. ONE metallic wardrobe item worn at a time, please. (Unless you’re Katt Williams)
  16. Platform flip-flops are always a resounding no.
  17. Submitted by Emily: Velour pants/jumpsuits! How did I leave that one out!?!?!

Please, please, please! It pains me to witness some of these! (that rhymed)

As I type this, I’m getting ready to go see ECLIPSE for the second time!!!! (it was awesome on opening night–yes I’m that kind of dork) And I’m sure that when I reach the theater I’ll see 5 more fashion mistakes…which will be hastily added to the list! Oh, what would I talk about if not for the horrible fashion of my small home town?

For more photos of some SERIOUSLY bad ensembles, visit People of Wal-Mart and be prepared to laugh and be horrified simultaneously. Hope you enjoy the posted pic of a beautifully decorated elephant on that lady’s butt cheeks. Nothing like subtlety.

If you have some fashion tips of your own, or if you’ve seen some doozies, let me know: alessandraspeaks@aim.com or TWEET me!

Love,

Your tom-boy in heels,

Alessandra

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Stamatios Dimitrakopoulos
    Jul 06, 2010 @ 19:54:32

    You missed a major fashion faux pas. Socks and Sandals. DONT DO IT!

  2. pajamadays
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 21:51:50

    You are hilarious! I almost choked on my own spit I was laughing so hard at all of the “key” items I seriously JUST put in the Salvation Army bag last week:

    1. light wash denim jeans with no back pockets – check
    2. cargo capris – check
    3. daisy duke shorts – check

    But here are a few in my donation bag that you didn’t list:

    1. denim one piece jump-suit with a sailor collar – yes, seriously I had one and for a brief moment thought it might pass as one of those “new” jump-suits that are out now.
    2. velour sweat pants with matching jackets – in multiple colors
    3. over-alls (long version and the shorts version) – in multiple colors
    4. and my all time favorite, that finally had to be “released” was a pair of olive cordouroy, tapered leg, “mom” pants

    – Emily : )

    • alessandraspeaks
      Jul 11, 2010 @ 22:32:47

      Emily, thank you for the comment. Comments make me smile. And I added ‘velour jumpsuits’ for #17 with your name as a link to your page. You are fabulous. Keep reading! (velour….awful)

  3. Tracy Gertridge
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 12:05:48

    1. denim one piece jump-suit with a sailor collar – yes, seriously I had one and for a brief moment thought it might pass as one of those “new” jump-suits that are out now.2. velour sweat pants with matching jackets – in multiple colors3. over-alls (long version and the shorts version) – in multiple colors4. and my all time favorite, that finally had to be “released” was a pair of olive cordouroy, tapered leg, “mom” pants
    +1

  4. thoughtsappear
    Jul 23, 2010 @ 13:30:58

    I love this list! Especially #…I can’t even pick one because they’re all awesome.

    I saw someone wearing black jeans the other day. Do they even still make those?

  5. alessandraspeaks
    Jul 23, 2010 @ 19:47:09

    Sadly yes. Although pitch black pants that happen to be jean material aren’t bad. But its the faded jean-looking back jeans that are atrocious.

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