Two Girls, a Suicide and a Safe

If it’s not completely obvious, I’m a writer. I write scripts, stories, poems, songs and blogs (blog being your favorite, I bet). So after all my blabbing about being my fabulous grammar-nazi-writing-self I’ve decided to share a little snippet of my writing with you.

I wrote “Two Girls, a Suicide and a Safe” for my Short Script class this past year–it was originally called “Befriending the Mistress” hence the awfully created Fey/Zelleweger poster. The new title is wayyyy more kick-ass, don’t you think?

For Short Script class, the scripts are usually 5-15 pages. Mine was 26. I couldn’t fight it anymore! It kept growing! So as we speak, I’m turning it into a feature-length screenplay. (insert applause) It’ll be my first fully written “movie”. And because I love you all so much, I think you should be blessed with a sneak-peek at one of the first scenes…(please forgive the improper script format)

INT. FUNERAL HOME

Olivia stands at the front of the funeral room after a line of guests have given her their condolences. It’s a closed casket.

A woman comes to stand next to Olivia, her nose in the air. It’s GENEVIEVE DION, a petite bimbo who was graced with a cute face. She was Roger’s mistress, and Olivia is fully aware that Genevieve slept with her late husband.

OLIVIA
Genevieve.

GENEVIEVE
Olivia.

OLIVIA
I suppose being an overbearing whore while he was alive wasn’t enough.

GENEVIEVE
If anything, I made it bearable for him to live.

OLIVIA
Slut.

GENEVIEVE
Bitch.

They pause a moment and smile at a few people across the room.

OLIVIA
You did this to him, you know.

GENEVIEVE
You’re the one who sucked the life out of him.

OLIVIA
Well, you sucked everything else, didn’t you?

Genevieve’s jaw drops.
OLIVIA (CONT’D)
Yep, that looks about right.

Genevieve closes her mouth.

GENEVIEVE
Look, I loved that man. And that’s why I’m here…I need to talk to you.

OLIVIA
For what?

GENEVIEVE
Come here.

Genevieve takes Olivia into the hallway.

INT. HALLWAY

GENEVIEVE
I loved Roger. I was a part of his life just as much as you were. And that’s why…
(she hesitates)
I’m asking for–no, demanding!–half of his money.

OLIVIA
(loud)
Money?!

Olivia clears her throat, remembering where she is.

OLIVIA (CONT’D)
(whispering)
What money?

GENEVIEVE
His money! I think I have every right to it.

OLIVIA
Didn’t you get enough of it while he had it? You’re the reason why there isn’t any.

GENEVIEVE
Don’t give me that bullsh-t, Olivia. I know there’s money. And if you won’t cooperate, I’ll find it myself.

OLIVIA
You’re insane. If you wanna go dig for “the lost treasure”, be my guest! Maybe the grave-digger will let you borrow his shovel after the funeral.

Olivia goes back into the showing room. Genevieve watches her leave and then storms out of the funeral home.

And there you have it! Nothing like two lionesses talking smack at a funeral, am I right?! That was the first scene ever written. I wrote it years ago and didn’t know what to do with it; and here we are 40 pages later. I hope you enjoyed the massive world inside my head. And that’s not even the half of it. So, keep your eyes peeled if you’d like to see all the adventures that these ladies get into trying to look for Roger’s hidden money!

Next on the list of blog topics: my top 5 writers, top 10 comedies, top 5 comedians, and how to be Green when you’re lazy!

So stay tuned, and follow my TWITTER already!
Love,
Your funeral-joke-making-writer, Alessandra (the next Janet Evanovich)
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